Celebrate

The title is to remind me to celebrate the path I have chosen because as a mom, no matter what path I choose, I will always doubt myself.

Today was my first day back to work. If you can even call it that. My office was hosting a huge conference on the east coast so only 7 people were left and I chose to only spend 4 hours today with those who were left. Baby steps.

I was excited for today. Not excited to leave my daughter. Excited to get dressed and not feel over dressed (anything other then yoga pants feels over dressed to my stay at home mom self). Excited to exercise my brain in a way it hadn't been in months. Excited to miss my daughter and love her more at the end of the day. Excited to let someone else's creativity stimulate my daughter (good job Mimi and Papa). Excited for a bacon breakfast burrito (it's the little things).

It's my third time leaving a baby, and although it doesn't ever get easier I was prepared for a few of the tough moments. Some still caught me off guard. I knew I was going to cry when I walked out the door. I didn't know I would cry when I saw my husband at work. I knew I would look at myself a thousand times in the mirror at my foreign attire. I didn't remember that big comfy cotton panties don't go well under work pants. I knew I would hate pumping knowing my baby was trying to choke down a bottle. I didn't know that I would feel so lonely.

The worst part of my day...Not being able to find the nurse to get the code to the pumping rooms and then seeing her speed walking down the hall which I'm guessing she does 19 times a day which is why I couldn't find her in her office. Then speed walking chasing after her saying "excuse me" until she stopped. Explaining to her that it was my first day back and was an hour over due to pump and needed the code but kept missing her in her office... all out of breath...all while she marched in place and looked irritated. But I got the code and walked to the close pumping room (also known as the "you better schedule a time" pumping room) and it was of course full. So I walked to the far pumping room (also known as the "let's talk and share mom stories while we pump" pumping room). It didn't look dirty but it felt dirty. There was a sign above the trash saying that there was a rodent problem in the room and not to leave food in the room. Isn't the milk I'm pumping in the room food? GROSS! But having an over full chest I stayed and pumped. The other girl in there did not want to talk despite my several attempts to make small talk. Needless to say, I walked back to the other room and scheduled pumping times for the next three weeks.

The best part of my day...being loved. I walked into work into open arms who were so excited to see me and made 4 hours feel like 1 hour and will make my toughest of days for years to come so much better. I walked into my home to a happy and healthy little girl who once she was done looking and laughing at her dogs loved me and still loved when I kissed her chins (chins is not a typo).

It was a great day and it turns out that everything I was excited for was actually exciting. And even the bad, was kinda funny. And after all of that my little girl still melted into me for a nap and is now blissfully eating her dinner. So tonight I celebrate!